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Uncle Sam

 

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I always get excited around Christmas time   I think I know why I never had any children   My aunt always gave me scary stuff for Christmas

Me and Jake Gyllenhaal write our names in the snow   I was put up for adoption after this Christmas card went out to 3,000 of my dad's clients!   Arnold lite

Pee-wee drops the M&Ms   Guess who that bird belongs to   Everyone is always shooting for the top gun

This explains a lot about my life   My new sliced bread house   Trick or treat in space

I made a few films   I used to be a big guy with even bigger legal problems   I'm not quite as stiff as my fellow actors

I amaze my family with my traditional Christmas split   Me, Sarah Silverman and Jeffrey Ross relax before the Donald Trump roast   Preparing for my yearly trip to Japan

Russell Brand and I discuss comedy   Eating another wiener... at Pinks   /Devo

I am featured on another Mad magazine cover   The most popular Christmas card of the year   My fellow Republican debaters

I love coffee   Singing Christmas carols at the White House   My favorite pillowcase

Best Friends Forever   I don't always hang out with women but... when I do   Providing security for Christian 'Batman' Bale

Who's the leader?   Looks like a slim Thanksgiving for me   No - I really had a wonderful Thanksgiving!

Brainwashed? I would think a light rinse would be sufficient   For how long?   I did not win the nomination

My very first apparel advertisement   Henry Ford, Bogus Bob, Warren Harding, and Harvey Firestone   Ever have this nightmare - fighting with Danny DeVito over a ham?

Lou can't believe he's meeting me   Yes, I went to school with little Barry   I do my hair every morning

Putting a few moves on Sophia   Remember the very first portable air conditioning unit?   I don't always drink beer but... when I do

My favorite clown sweater   I attend a college dance during my Gandhi phase   My whole family loves turkey

I discuss the universe with Stephen Hawking   Mila Kunis pledges allegiance while I do my bobble head impression   That thing is pissed!

I was quite short in my early teens   Mark, Snoop and me   My visit with Johannes Brahms

Hugh Jackman points out the obvious...   I have no idea what we were trying to do   The largest kidney stone in the world

Goofing-off at the dentist's office   Directors Akira Kurosawa, Francis Ford Coppola and me   I'm the only straight guy on the program

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